forewarning: This blog post is going to sound a whole lot like a “feel sorry for me” rant. Please understand that that is not my purpose in writing this but instead to later be able to remember and reflect on my feelings of James’s first deployment.
I have cried so much I don’t feel like an adult anymore. I feel kind of like a newborn, or what I imagine it feels like to be completely helpless.
I’ve been thinking a lot about a year ago. I had just become engaged to James and was living on my own, working at a job that I loved, and only ten minutes from my family. I was independent, confident, and incredibly optimistic about my future with James.
Fast forward to two days ago. I laid in bed clutching my pillow crying uncontrollably. I was thinking about how much I was going to miss my husband for the next 6 months and feeling incredibly angry about the things he was going to miss out on here. Physical touch is one of my main love languages and I am scared to death about what 6 months without so much as a kiss or hug from my husband is going to do to me. I know that sounds silly but I literally crave it.
I am afraid I’m not going to be able to keep up with the little things I have to take care of here. Today for example, (this might be a bad example because I had literally just said goodbye to James) I realized I have no idea what his orders look like..and I don’t know what our extension papers look like..and I spaced and couldn’t remember where any of this stuff was or if I even had it. I know I have it..but I freaked.
I have been making lists for days. I have all of these errands to run before I fly home. All of this stuff has to be taken care of while I am gone. I am sure these are worries that James has as well and that I am just a big baby but I am completely overwhelmed by all of the freaking paperwork that is covering my dining room table and cluttering our car. It seems to be never ending. I don’t know what most of it means, if it is important, or if it’s junk mail. Some of it comes in a language that I can’t read. Sometimes that means German, and other times it means “military lingo”.
I want to punch something. I think this is normal…but I’m not usually a violent person so these feelings are new territory for me.
What have I learned from the last couple of days? I am no longer the person I was a year ago. I am a freaking dependent. I need my husband. ugh. I know that is a good thing but I really hate that I’ve turned into that woman. Not that there is anything wrong with it…it is just so far from who I was! I just feel secure when he’s here to take care of things..or even to just be there for support.
Geez. pity party much?
I will be fine. I have a supportive family, wonderful friends, and a great group of people here in Germany who have promised to be there for me anytime I need them. I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine.
I will be fine.
What does that stand for again? Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.
Yup. Just fine.